WHAT ARE TESCO LIKE?

Robert Duncan poses this burning question…

Call me a sad git if you like (I heard that) but I used to love going to Tesco. It was a chance to be with my boys, and make silly jokes about everything, from Cathy’s strange habit of looking at the bottom of products before she makes a buying decision, to me holding up a packet of bacon and saying “Peppa Pig – the later years…”

Up early on Saturday morning, off to Tesco for a thoroughly unsuitable breakfast in their ketchup stained café, and locking horns with Dolloping Dora when she piles the baked beans on top of the sausages, eggs and hash browns instead of beside them.

But now that’s all changed. Tesco has obviously decided to go upmarket – or try to. The coffee shop is now ultra-trendy, with coffee sacks stuck to the walls, blackboards with cakes drawn on them in a careful hand, and people called a barista for some reason, who ask you if you’re having a nice day. Very nice, but not very Tesco.

And there’s a big area in the main shopping place which has been converted to a home-wares outlet. Who are they now? Next Home? Habitat? IKEA? The fact is they’re not very good at it, and it’s a waste of the space they used to give over to toys, affordable essentials and cheap crap that you couldn’t help buying. Example. We bought a little carry on case (for air travel, not a Kenneth Williams film) and it was twelve quid. When we got it home, surprise! There was a smaller case inside! Coo…

Now the same thing cost about £30, and I bet it hasn’t got a little goodie inside it. You see? Trying to go upmarket…

Now here’s the real beef (note I don’t go for any cheap hamburger jokes here.) Tesco staff choose the busiest part of the week, Saturday morning, to wheel round their ENORMOUS trolleys and collect home delivery orders for all those lazy bastards who can’t be bothered to get up in the mornings and go shopping. Instead they probably sit around in their ‘robes’ and drink really groovy coffee made in their special coffee making thingy, as they read their Saturday Times and watch Tarquin and Apple fighting over the latest mind broadening brochures about gites in the South of France.

These ‘pickers’ get in the way of the poor sods who actually manage to struggle into their local Tesco on the promise of an overpriced froffy coffee (remember the fifties?) and the pick of the broccoli pile.
Tesco GrrrrThe wine offers are hopeless now, the managers in their wisdom put up badly photocopied offers which they Sellotape to the fading bins, and the flowers are now so expensive that you could be excused for thinking you are buying a share of the greenhouse they were force grown in.

What’s the matter with them? They should know their place, and remember how successful it was for them.

Yer Tesco – stop trying to go upmarket and stay where you were comfortable, and profitable. Or I will take my broccoli business elsewhere…

Still, it’s nearly Saturday! We’re off shopping again!

To Sainsbury’s…